I was probably in the seventh or eighth grade when, at a prayer service in a side room at the Rock of Roseville, I made the decision to be prayed for to receive the Pentecostal gift of tongues. A number of people, some of them my own age, some of them adults, gathered round and placed their hands on my head and shoulders. Their prayers tumbled forth in a fervent, almost musical harmony. Some of their speech was unintelligible: a babble of unknown tongues, the tongues of angels. Most of it sounded sort of Arabic. "Shalalalabahelophetenjintunkalapotolel," they moaned in a rapid-fire stream of alien-sounding syllables. When praying in English, their words took on an almost poetic rhythm. Swaying piously with their eyes closed and brows crinkled, they entreated, "
Fill him with
your Spirit, God. Let your love just
wash over him, Father God. Send your
power and your
grace, Lord Jesus. We pray in the name of Jesus for the gift of
tongues, Lord God."
I wasn't the only one being prayed for this night. The room was packed with pious youths and their adult leaders, gathered in groups around newbies like me. We had been taught that tongues was a miraculous sign that Spirit-baptism had been received. If I didn't receive it this night it wouldn't be the end of the world. There would be other opportunities to be prayed for some other night. But my friend James had just received it, and others in the room were singing out triumphantly in the angelic language. Turning my eyes toward heaven, praying aloud with great zeal and tears in my eyes, I begged my Father for the heavenly gift.
I had heard different accounts of what tongues felt like. I had been told by some that they had felt it welling up inside them, by others that it felt like their tongues had been taken over by the Spirit itself. I experienced no such sensations this night, no such loss of control. It was terribly disheartening. Why was the Spirit ignoring me where it had spoken through so many others?
My mother, a devout Pentecostal since college, had related to me a more mundane theory of what it means to speak in tongues. In Acts 2, all the members of a multi-ethnic crowd understand each others' words as if they are being spoken in their own language. My mom's idea is that the miracle of tongues takes place in the hearer rather than in the speaker. She believes that tongues-speakers do their actual speaking under their own power, but that God fills their words with meaning. That account never satisfied me. It seemed to me that tongues was supposed to be a real
gift and a real
miracle. The way my mom explained it made it sound awfully mundane. On this night, one of the adult leaders took me by the shoulders and proffered much the same explanation. Then he laid his palm on my forehead and told me to "just begin to speak out." I had to make a
decision to speak, he told me. It was me who had to do the speaking. I needed to let go of my fears and insecurities and just start babbling. I hesitated, but I did what he said. Awkward phonemes tumbled from my lips, all of them consciously chosen and formulated in my mind beforehand. "Hallelujah," my peers around me intoned sincerely. "Praise God. Thank you Jesus." Everyone in the group dispersed that night satisfied that God had showed up and bestowed upon me a miraculous gift-- everyone, that is, except me.
I went home that night and sat on the floor next to my bed and prayed and cried and prayed some more. There, alone, with no one to lay hands on me and no one to pressure me, I spoke in tongues again. It still felt like it was me doing the talking, but it flowed more freely, and this time I let go more than I had earlier in the evening. Although it didn't seem that anything properly miraculous was happening, I was uplifted in my mind to a feeling of deep and personal closeness with God. Babbling like this had had a curious cathartic effect: it emptied my mind of rational thought, making room for sheer emotion and the raw sensation of transcendence. It was a mystical experience, rather like that sought by Buddhists. Of course, I didn't make that connection at the time. At the time I only knew that at long last I had been filled with the Holy Spirit.
I now consider my old Pentecostal belief in a "gift of tongues" to be naïve, but the practice itself is not as silly or worthless as most non-Pentecostals are at first inclined to believe. As with so many other religious ideas and rituals, the
literal meaning of tongues is absurd, but the experience and symbolism of it are profound. Pentecostal theologian Frank Macchia has written that tongues symbolizes the fact that "language cannot follow one into the depths of the encounter between the mystery of God and the mystery of the self before God." He also adds that "It is the lowest common denominator between people who might be very different from one another, revealing a deep sense of equality that cannot be denied and that challenges any discrimination based on gender, class, or race." I am speaking from experience when I say that I think that that's true. I no longer speak in tongues, because it doesn't make much sense to me to do so without the literal belief or the communal solidarity that I learned to associate with it. But what I am searching for in my spiritual journey today is not really something fundamentally different. It is simply a new way and a new symbol under which to have the same experience.